Trusting God with my Heart

I sit in the darkness and quietly pray the words,

“Dear God, I trust you with my heart.”

God is showing me and more what this means.

Yesterday was a shocker. My client’s wife accidently killed both of her young cats, and her little daughters were in tears all day…and I got the bad news that I did not get either of the jobs I was interviewed for.  I was devastated and completely crushed. I’m not usually so vulnerable, but there was a pastor in the 2nd interview and the Holy Spirit showed up, so I let my guard down & revealed my heart. The pain of having my heart rejected yet again, hit me hard.

And then I had to front up for an interview with International Teams today. To say it didn’t go well would be an understatement. I really didn't have much passion or heart left to convey. I managed to trigger enough red flags in the interviewer that she suggested I undergo a psych assessment before I go… not good!!!

So I left the interview extremely embarrassed, crushed & downhearted… but interviews go both ways.

I saw enough red flags in the interview to realise that the placement in Rwanda that International Teams had in mind for me was not really what I was looking for. In that I would be teaching handicrafts, such as sewing & bead making with women, rather than doing art therapy with children. I actually don't even know how to sew or make beads! Lol! I was also warned that I would most likely spend a lot of time exceptionally underutilised, misplaced, bored and wondering why God called me there. I’ve already spent 3 years in that sort of service and I have no desire to repeat the experience. I want to find my place in the world.

I also found out that the TAFE course they recommended I complete in assessment & training was unnecessary for the Rwanda placement. At that time they were probably still thinking of Cambodia, but the Cambodian placement is going through managerial changes so unsuitable. This is frustrating as I have already paid my non-refundable fees and start next week.

They pushed strongly for the need for funding & suggested I loosely budget $3000 a month in addition to plane fares, mission training fees and other upfront costs, and try to get 100 supporters to pledge $30 a month.

Honestly I’m shocked at this figure! Perhaps I am incredibly naïve, but I had no idea that living in a 3^rd world country could cost so much. I simply could not ask people to support me on a trip like that where my passion, giftings and talents would be underutilised. It would be an extravagant waste of money. I know it’s selfish but I would rather you all buy me a red Mazda 3!! It would be effectively used for the kingdom everyday & bring me so much more joy! ;) Lol!!!

So, I’m thinking the mission trip is off for now. Which means God has effectively cleaned my plate of pretty much everything, except for doing the animation and packing up to move out of home by the end of the year.

So thus ends my missionary journey for now. I’m sorry it didn’t end up as exciting as it might have. But hope deferred makes the heart sick and God has some major healing work he needs to do in my heart for now (proverbs 13:12).

Love & blessings to you all & thank you so much for your prayer support.

God's will be done, according to his perfect schedule.